Have you ever examined the way you listen? Did you know your inner state while listening directly impacts the other person—what they share, how safe they feel, and whether they open up or shut down?
I recently invited a senior leadership team to practice listening to a peer from three different states:
- You love the topic and care deeply about it.
- You dislike the topic and are politely tolerating the conversation.
- You know nothing about the topic, and you’re open and curious, with a beginner’s mind.
Here’s the typical impact:
When we love the topic, we often interrupt, add our opinions, or steer the conversation—our excitement can overshadow the other person.
When we dislike the topic, we tend to check out or go through the motions—polite on the outside but energetically absent.
But when we’re genuinely curious, our presence is open, grounded, and alive. The speaker feels it. They often say more, go deeper, and feel more seen.
It’s not just emotional—it’s biological.
The way we listen sends subtle but powerful signals to the other person’s nervous system. Are we a cue of safety or a source of tension? Genuine curiosity helps regulate the other individual’s system, signaling it’s safe to be real. But if we’re distracted, judgmental, or checked out, their body senses that too—even if we say all the “right” things.
The way we listen lives in our body. It shows up in our eyes, our posture, our breath. And it shapes how safe, valued, and connected the other person feels.
The way we listen lives in our body. It shows up in our eyes, our posture, our breath. And it shapes how safe, valued, and connected the other person feels.So, try it: The next time you’re in conversation, notice how you’re listening. What’s your inner state? How does it land on the other person? You might be surprised by how much changes when you shift from knowing to curiosity.
