Right now, there’s a subtle but rising return to more directive leadership–fewer questions, faster decisions, more top-down control. In some cases, it’s needed. But in many, it’s reactive.
This is what I want leaders to ask: Where does this directive need to come from?
Is it clarity—or is it control?
As leaders, we’ve all been there—things feel uncertain, the team is stressed with decision fatigue and figuring out what to prioritize, and suddenly giving orders feels easier than inviting input. But that pattern, if unchecked, has consequences. Trust erodes. Curiosity disappears. People shut down, and discretionary effort goes out the window.
Leaders are trained and paid to be responsive, but we often confuse responsive with reactive. We don’t hit our numbers, and we have to “fix it.” We move into a reactive way of being that looks directive, but it’s often a way for us to feel in control because we’re taking control and “getting things moving.” It takes an incredible amount of self-awareness to know the difference between being effectively directive and being controlling (to soothe our own need to feel in control).
How do you check yourself as a leader? One of my favorite coaching questions is: “What is it like to be on the other side of you?”
In other words, how do you know whether what you’re doing is effective or ineffective? How do you know what effect you’re having on people’s ability to do good work, to think more clearly, to engage more fully, to help you do great work as creatively and effectively as possible?
In times of stress and uncertainty, you as a leader are trained to bring clarity and direction, but you don’t need to do that from a place of needing control. When fear, pressure, urgency, or even unspoken expectations stir our inner world, we often feel a pull to tighten our grip. The mind doesn’t like uncertainty, so it compensates by asserting control.
The mind also has a negativity bias under pressure, so it looks for what’s wrong more than what’s right. Leadership that’s rooted in control tends to constrict rather than liberate. The irony is that the more we try to control, the less influence we often have.
So, Where Do You Start?
1. Learning to pause starts with awareness.
- Notice the signals—tight shoulders, a sharpened or quick tone, the impulse to speak instead of listen. That’s your cue. Take a breath. Drop your attention into your body.
- Ask yourself quietly: Am I seeking clarity or control right now? This small moment of inquiry can open a whole new posture.
2. Try asking questions that invite rather than direct.
- Instead of “Have you thought about doing X?” try “What options are you weighing?”
- Instead of “Why didn’t this get done?” ask “What made this hard to move forward?” Stakeholding isn’t about leading people to your answer—it’s about helping them discover the best way forward together.
3. Here are a few ways to begin noticing when your inner world is driving you toward control rather than clarity:
- You feel urgency in your body before the situation actually demands it.
- You’re asking questions but already have the answer in mind.
- You’re focused more on outcomes than on people’s engagement or process.
- You feel frustrated when others bring up challenges instead of solutions.
- You’ve stopped being curious.
The most effective leaders are not those who never feel the need to control but those who recognize it, breathe through it, and choose a different way. That’s not softness—it’s inner strength. And in today’s climate, it may be the most strategic skill of all.
